My Journey Into Prayer, Part 5: Breathless

We need to quit whatever we're doing and sit down. When we sit down, the dust raised by our furious activity settles; the noise generated by our building operations goes quiet; we become aware of the real world. God’s world. And what we see leaves us breathless: it’s so much larger, so much more full of energy and action than our ego-fueled actions, so much clearer and saner than the plans that we had projected. – Eugene Peterson in Leap Over a Wall, Earthy Spirituality for Everyday Christians

My recent ‘journey into prayer’ began when I asked God what new thing he wanted me to do, and I sensed him saying, “Learn how to pray,” which technically wasn't doing in my book.

I've been reading my old prayer journals. I'm a little surprised by how long I've been meaning to slow down, how addicted I was to doing. Well, it looks like the fact that I needed to focus more on a relationship with God rather than performance for God wasn't new information to me, as reflected in these journal entries:

Aug. 27, 1997: Forgive my busy-ness. Slow me down so I can have time for who you created me to be.
Sept. 14, 1997: I have neglected my time with You. I have probably suffered for it. Help me to set boundaries. Oct. 13, 1997: How can I get to know you more if I don't spend time?

Too much doing for God and not enough being with God, of course, led to this entry:
Oct. 22, 1997: Lord, I confess I've gotten tired of doing good.

And I knew why:
Dec. 8, 1997: I am distracted from what is good and perfect by the ‘tyranny of the urgent’ and my lack of discipline.

Mar. 10, 1998: I confess over-ambition at times. April 28, 1999: Help me to take time to pray. March 13, 2000: Help me slow down and take time with You.

How did I think God was going to answer that prayer? Presumably by ‘helping’ me have the discipline to say ‘no’ to more activity and ‘yes’ to more time with Him.

I hit the prescription ‘nail’ squarely on the head in this entry:
Jan. 18, 2002: What does God want me to give Him? Probably my competence [my ability to do]. How do I do that? Spend more time with Him, depend more on Him, listen more to what He may be telling me.

Two and a half years later, apparently still not having fully implemented my own remedy, this interesting and rather prophetic entry:
Sept. 27, 2004 Henri Nouwen says: “…the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self…[To] rediscover true [his] identity… and let go of [his] relevant self – the self that can do things…”

What does it mean for me, now, to be “completely irrelevant” ...to “let go of my relevant self who can do things”? I define myself by what I do rather than knowing God enough to be like Him- vulnerable, giving unconditional love, unlimited love. So, I need to become a pray-er, define myself by how well I can love, not by my competence.

I was very soon to find out what being ‘completely irrelevant’ meant when my health and stamina deteriorated and led to the diagnosis of my Parkinson’s several months later. My ability to do was greatly diminished. I recognized that God, after years of waiting for me, had answered those prayers to “slow me down”, to “help me to take time with You”.

April 12, 2005: Long time since my last entry five months ago. Suddenly, I find myself in an imposed ‘irrelevant’ condition. Hmm. I guess God figured I might not get around to that. I fear He was right.

So in January, 2006, when I was finally feeling stronger, the ingrained urge to do for God returned; I was tempted to get back on the performance track. Thankfully, I was listening this time around and heard him say, “Learn how to pray.” In other words, “Sit down; let me show you the real world."

"It will leave you breathless.”